i'm sitting here at the library. feeling lost. more than ever before in my uni life.
somewhat cynical and paranoid. dont ask me why.

few things in life i look forward to.
even fewer i expect.
at least im contented that i have my sanity. heh.

i guess the last few posts are not as joyful as it should be. my apologies, people.

last night, i had a good long talk with a good friend. really puts things into perspective. then again, we both have gone through so much things that i don't know whether whatever we are both going through now is reasonable.

dont get me wrong. sometimes i feel she deserves so much better. and i know that she can be a better person than she really is. at the same time, i just have to be there for her and accept her for who she truly is. sigh.

sometimes when she does call, it's kinda depressing. most of the times turns out that way. just hope that she clears her doubts and stuffs like that.

the thing about doubts. and trust issues.

doubts. can you ever doubt your other half? is it really plausible? there's a difference between trust and doubt. you can trust the person with almost anything. but once you doubt, cracks will form. it's like this.

let's say someone whom you like once before or used to be attached to or the both of you used to go out (you get what i mean right?) is close to your partner? like really really close. they have certain kind of understanding that the both of you may not have, and they definitely know more about each other and gone through so many things together. doesn't it make you feel out of place? yah. the concept of insecurities.

the concept of insecurities is bad. experiencing it is worse. but then again if you got two people who are insecure, you jus feed off from one another. perfect. in a way.

you cannot deny ur partner the right not to be close to that person. that's what i feel. first and foremost, ur partner has her own life to lead. put them on a tight leash, the leash would snap. but i guess it's really up to them. whether they want you to feel insecure (in some sadistic way) or otherwise. heh. not saying that you should make your partner be insecure but yah...try not to. it's bad. secondly, why can't the past remain the past? that qn is one that most people will ask. i guess in a way, the past is what makes the present. you cannot remove all feelings for a person even after 20 years, or maybe ever. trust me on this. there's a distinct difference in being in love and loving someone.

honestly speaking, if it were me, in that kind of situation. i would rather be selfish. hahahahhahaha. cos it removes all sense of insecurity and doubt.

but then again, it's not entirely up to me. what do you guys think?

personally, i dont make the extra effort to be close to my friends who are attached. this pertains to the girls. and some of the guys i guess. why make things difficult if you keep hanging out all the time. or sms or call all the time? you make things uneasy. REALLY uneasy. so, with that said, MOVE ON! hahahahaha.